Untitled (feeling mopey and can't think of a title)

We had some friends and family over for a Memorial Day BBQ on Monday. It was a great time with yummy food and wonderful people. The weather was nice, and the kids were well-behaved. All in all, I couldn't have asked for a more relaxing day. We were also able to visit with some "old" friends, and to spend some time with the sweet newest addition to our family. :) However, despite the good feelings, I couldn't quite keep my mind completely focused. I found myself really missing those who couldn't be here...two people especially. No matter how much time passes, Pop and Dave continue to be in my thoughts daily. I will always think of Pop on these holidays...remembering how we would all gather at his and Mom's house for BBQ. He would get up early and start grilling, and the food would be finished and ready to eat LONG before the first guest arrived. When I was a kid, I never considered him to be a very social person, but as I got older, I realized how much he liked to spend time entertaining people with his stories. The ache in my heart isn't as intense as it was in the beginning, but I don't know if it has necessarily gotten easier. There is still an emptiness there that nothing can ever seem to fill. Maybe it will always be this way? I don't know. What I do know is that I miss him every.single.day. Dave was a huge part of our lives, and every get-together lately seems to have a giant gap right where he should be. This will be the first summer without him, and I'm struggling a bit to adjust to what has become our new normal. The bbqs, the bonfires, trips to Soulard Market and Tower Grove Park, baseball games...they will never be the same without our brother and friend. I find myself bouncing between anger and sadness still, and at times it seems too much to take. There was so much left to say, so many adventures left to take, and I get so mad that we were robbed of that time. I feel so sad that we didn't get the chance to properly say goodbye. I pick up the phone to call, and have to stop myself mid-dial when I remember that he won't answer...and it's like a punch in the gut. I know it'll get "better" (for lack of a better word). After almost 2 years, I can finally think of Pop,and smile instead of cry, and I'm hopeful that it will be like that with memories of Dave, too...someday. It's just that this loss...this grief...this feeling is still so fresh. Five months really isn't all that long, after all. So, my mission is to just take these days, these melancholy, wistful days, as they come and roll with them. To try to focus on the positive things and people in my life, to remember all of the wonderful times spent, to stay present in the moments of my life...to smile through the tears, and to believe that someday I will see them again. It's just that sometimes forever seems so far away...