Thoughts of loss

I heard from a friend (a fellow teacher from the days of SLPS) the other day. She was one of two lifelines for me at Adams Elementary during the last (horrible) year. I knew that she and her husband had been trying for awhile to get pregnant. She said that they had been trying (unsuccessfully) for about six months. They had almost given up on concieving naturally, and were starting to consider fertility treatments. She decided to take a pregnancy test last weekend, just in case...and it was POSITIVE! She spent the entire week imagining life with a baby. They planned to tell their families this week. Then, on Thursday night, she miscarried. She e-mailed me with the news and said that she had been thinking of me, and what I had gone through. She asked me for advice...and I wondered, what advice can I possibly give?

I cried when I read her e-mail...the emotion was so real, so raw. Everything I felt that day a year and a half ago came flooding back to me...overwhelming me. So much has changed in my life since then.....most notably my beautiful daughter, for whom I thank God every day. And yet, I found myself reliving that terrible experience. I know now that if I had not experienced that loss, I would not have my Keira, which is a thought that is unimaginable to me. Still, I remembered....I remembered the sadness that I felt that I would never get to hold that baby...the anger that he (she?) had been taken away from me...the guilt that I had possibly done something to cause it...robbing my husband of a child and our parents of a grandchild. I remembered feeling resentful of and anger toward everyone I knew who was pregnant or had recently had a baby...and of those "unfit" parents who had been blessed with something I didn't have...and wondered if I could ever have. I remembered the people who were only trying to help ease my pain, but whose comments seemed so insensitive at the time. "It wasn't meant to be..." "You'll have a baby when the time is right..." and then when they learned it was a blighted ovum "Well, it should make you feel better that it wasn't really a baby anyway..." I began to feel all of those same things....and my heart ached...for myself, for our angel baby, but mostly for my friend. I have my daughter now...I know now what God's plan for my life was. At the time, I didn't and it was so hard to trust Him that he'd bring me through it. I think that must be what she's feeling now. On one hand, I'm an inspiration to her...I lost a baby, but I have my baby now. On the other hand, she isn't sure that she'll be able to have a baby. Those are the same thoughts that raced (angrily) through my head as I listened to woman after woman tell me of their stories of life after loss. I remember thinking "Good for you, but what if this is my only chance?" I just hope and pray that God's plan is for her to become a mom...just at a different time. She's a wonderful person and will be a fantastic mom. I can't get thoughts of her, and of that day (3/19/04) out of my head. Hopefully writing about it will help.

What an amazing thing that we as women are able to bring life into this world...and what a miracle it is. I think sometimes people take for granted how fragile life is.