I realized today that I'll be going back to work in just under a month. The thought both excites me and makes me crazily upset. I'm looking forward to another school year, to working with another group of kids, to feeling like I'm accomplishing something every day...having tangible evidence of my accomplishments.
On the other hand, the thought of not being here with Keira every day is starting to make me crazy! I look at her and think how lucky I've been to be able to spend so much time with her. How lucky I've been to watch her grow, to see every single change. Shawn is happy to go to work and come home in the evenings to us. I hope I can be that happy when the dreaded day comes that I have to return to work. I remember how extremely hard it was for me the three weeks I had to go back to school after maternity leave. Dropping her off in the mornings was the hardest thing I've had to do in a long time. But, God, how incredible the feeling was when I picked her up in the afternoon! I'm hoping that I'll be able to focus on the joy I feel when I see her rather than the ache I feel when I drop her off.
If I'm being completely honest, I'm also a bit worried (probably unnecessarily so) that she'll bond with her sitter (my aunt) and it'll weaken the bond that she and I have. I know that that's a silly thought....I'm her mother, after all, and she knows that. Part of me (a big part) is thankful that I have a family member who is willing and able to watch Keira for me. Another part of me thinks that daycare would almost be easier, emotionally, for me to deal with. I can't really verbalize what I mean by that. I don't have a doubt that she'll be safe and well cared for, and loved. Maybe I'm worried about losing some of my power as a mom...You know what I mean? It's harder for a daycare provider to become as attached to one child and as involved personally outside of the daycare setting. With a family member, it's different. If anyone out there can sympathize or offer any advice, please help!
ANYWAY thanks for listening to me rant, and feel free to offer advice. Sometimes I feel like I'm all alone in here.
1 comment:
Hmmm, don't really know how to respond to that little rant about not referring to Keira as "our baby". Your right, she's not, and I (we) will respect your wishes. I'll figure out another reference -darn, you've got all the good ones! :-) Be patient with those of us who have fallen in love with her. Love your blog site, and will check back often (I kinda like knowing how you feel about "things").
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