Summer break!

As the girls are getting older, I'm finding that I'm enjoying summer break more than ever before! This week we have been to StL to the Science Center, picnicked in the park, taken a nature walk, played at the water park, and renewed our library cards. I'm so looking forward to all of the summer days to come with my girls!

Untitled (feeling mopey and can't think of a title)

We had some friends and family over for a Memorial Day BBQ on Monday. It was a great time with yummy food and wonderful people. The weather was nice, and the kids were well-behaved. All in all, I couldn't have asked for a more relaxing day. We were also able to visit with some "old" friends, and to spend some time with the sweet newest addition to our family. :) However, despite the good feelings, I couldn't quite keep my mind completely focused. I found myself really missing those who couldn't be here...two people especially. No matter how much time passes, Pop and Dave continue to be in my thoughts daily. I will always think of Pop on these holidays...remembering how we would all gather at his and Mom's house for BBQ. He would get up early and start grilling, and the food would be finished and ready to eat LONG before the first guest arrived. When I was a kid, I never considered him to be a very social person, but as I got older, I realized how much he liked to spend time entertaining people with his stories. The ache in my heart isn't as intense as it was in the beginning, but I don't know if it has necessarily gotten easier. There is still an emptiness there that nothing can ever seem to fill. Maybe it will always be this way? I don't know. What I do know is that I miss him every.single.day. Dave was a huge part of our lives, and every get-together lately seems to have a giant gap right where he should be. This will be the first summer without him, and I'm struggling a bit to adjust to what has become our new normal. The bbqs, the bonfires, trips to Soulard Market and Tower Grove Park, baseball games...they will never be the same without our brother and friend. I find myself bouncing between anger and sadness still, and at times it seems too much to take. There was so much left to say, so many adventures left to take, and I get so mad that we were robbed of that time. I feel so sad that we didn't get the chance to properly say goodbye. I pick up the phone to call, and have to stop myself mid-dial when I remember that he won't answer...and it's like a punch in the gut. I know it'll get "better" (for lack of a better word). After almost 2 years, I can finally think of Pop,and smile instead of cry, and I'm hopeful that it will be like that with memories of Dave, too...someday. It's just that this loss...this grief...this feeling is still so fresh. Five months really isn't all that long, after all. So, my mission is to just take these days, these melancholy, wistful days, as they come and roll with them. To try to focus on the positive things and people in my life, to remember all of the wonderful times spent, to stay present in the moments of my life...to smile through the tears, and to believe that someday I will see them again. It's just that sometimes forever seems so far away...

Thanksgiving....and two months gone

How strange that Thanksgiving also happens to be the two month anniversary of Pop's passing. Two months ago, we were there for our lasagna bake-off. The food was good (if I do say so myself), the weather was beautiful, and I think that if Pop could've chosen his last day, he probably wouldn't have changed a thing.

Today we will go to Mom's house again for lunch. The house will be full with the smells of wonderful food, the sounds of laughter, and the feel of love. He'll be the only thing that's missing, but I know that he won't be far from our thoughts. I don't want to be sad today. I want to be happy and thankful for all that I have. I want to laugh with and enjoy spending the day with Shawn, our girls, my mom, brothers, sisters, nieces and nephew, aunts, uncles and cousins. I want to eat delicious turkey, Mom's dressing, and Pam's green bean casserole. I want to indulge in some of the pies that I baked last night. I want to go to the movies tonight with Mom, Lisa, and Holly, and enjoy the mindless escape for a couple of hours. I want to brave the crowds to shop with Holly tonight.

So, that is my mission...to try for happiness. However, I know that a small part of my heart will be aching, and I think that's ok too.

Homesick

So, it's been three weeks since Pop died. They have been three emotional weeks, to say the least. I think I have felt every emotion that I can describe...from the sadness of losing him, to relief at the end of his suffering, to anger, and everything in between.

I've experienced the loss of people I've loved before, but not a single one of them affected me as deeply as losing my dad. It's a lonely feeling. Although I am blessed to have had the last six years with him, and to have gotten to spend much of his last week here on Earth with him, I am so sad that he had to leave us so soon.

Life goes on after someone dies, and it's a weird thing. I see-saw between normalcy and sadness and then just burst into tears with no warning. The strangest things make me cry.

A friend recently loaned me the book, "Heaven is For Real". I read it today, from cover to cover. It was really a fantastic book. I expected to read it and then just feel completely at peace with everything. That, however, is not the case. While I do feel peace at the reassurances that Heaven really IS up there and my dad is healthy and happy, and that I'll get to see him again someday....I am still so sad.

I haven't been able to describe the feeling accurately until today. The feeling in the pit of my stomach that makes my heart contract and forms a lump in my throat is just like being homesick.

I used to get homesick so badly when I was a kid. I came home early from church camp one year because I missed my parents so badly. I had a hard time spending the night at friends' houses when I was little. I even remember calling my mom and dad on the first night that I moved into my dorm room during college. Just hearing their voices calmed me down. I was soothed by the knowledge that I'd see them again soon, and it would all be alright.

This feeling is just like that. I know that I'll get to see Pop again someday, and that I'll hear his voice. It's just that the wait will be much longer this time around. The greatest reward, though, will be that when we meet again, we'll never have to say goodbye. Thank God for that.

Family Ties

Sometimes great experiences come from not-so-great things. This weekend was a prime example of that.
My dad hasn't been doing well for quite some time now. His health has been very up and down lately...and unfortunately the bad days often outnumber the good ones. I hate it that the strong man I've known all of my life is getting weaker and is now unable to do the things that he once did without effort. It makes me feel sad and a bit powerless.
I think my brothers both notice his decline in health, too, although we never talk about it. It is what (I think) prompted Rob to plan a surprise party for Pop's 71st birthday. I admit that I was shocked at the suggestion. I thought it was a really good idea, and I wanted everyone to be able to spend time with Pop before it was too late...but I honestly didn't know if it would happen. People are busy...and it wouldn't have surprised me if many of them had already had plans for Labor Day weekend. But, I was on board with the idea from the beginning. I crossed my fingers that the people who RSVP'd would actually show up.
As the planning stages continued, I began to get cautiously optimistic about the party. I thought it would make Pop feel great to see how many people love and care about him. I kept my fingers crossed that everyone would come and that he'd have a good day.
Saturday morning dawned sunny and cool. Rob and Shawn left early in the morning to go to F'town to start setting up tables and grilling. By the time the girls and I made it to the house, people were already arriving. I found Pop surrounded by his 4 sons (and son-in-law)...two of whom he hadn't seen in several years. As the morning turned into afternoon, more and more people started arriving. By the end of the day, 83 people had come to help Pop celebrate his birthday. I think it made him happy to spend time with so many family members and to catch up on old times.
I know it was one of the best days I've spent in quite awhile. I didn't get the chance to talk to everyone for very long...but it seemed as if everyone was enjoying themselves catching up with family that they hadn't seen in some time.
For me, visiting with my brothers, nieces and nephews was the highlight of my day. It's funny how time passes so quickly, and you can not see someone for 10+ years...but pick back up like you just saw them yesterday. It's amazing and wonderful how strong family bonds are...and I thank God for the opportunity to strengthen those bonds after all of these years.

WOW...so it's been awhile

The other day I came into the kitchen and noticed that Shawn was looking at my blog. It hit me then that I haven't updated this thing in a LOOOOONG time! I'll do my best to condense the past few months into a couple of paragraphs.

First...Sophie was born on July 7. She turned 6 months old yesterday. She is an absolute dream baby. She is happy and cuddly and sweet...and has completely stolen all of our hearts. Her big sisters adore her and the feeling is completely mutual. Keira and Reagan can make her laugh these great big belly laughs that are just the most amazing sounds in the world.


Reagan turned three on November 10. How can I describe her personality...? I think Kelly says it best when she calls her quirky. She's definitely a "middle child". She's mischievous and can be sneaky...but she also gives the best hugs ever! She is struggling to find her place, and I think, at times, that I need to be a bit more understanding of her struggle. She's so smart and constantly surprises me with the things she says and does.



Keira will turn five on March 11. She's in the 4-year old class in preschool. She's also a smarty. On her first quarter report card, she had mastered almost all of the skills that she needs now (and will need by the end of the first quarter of kindergarten). We're still working on writing her letters, but that will come. She is our sensitive and dramatic girl. She gets her feelings hurt very easily and is always concerned with how others are feeling. She is very sweet and is growing up FAR too quickly! As a matter of fact, while I was writing this, she insisted on changing Sophie's (wet) diaper for me. *sigh*

Getting Ready for Sophie!

Has it really been 16 weeks since I've updated my blog? Let's see...where to start?
Well, first of all, the girls and I are at home for summer vacation. Yay! This school year was a bit trying at times, and I'm sure quite a bit of it had to do with pregnancy hormones. So, needless to say I am thankful to be home and enjoying time with the girls before their new baby sister comes along.In preparation for Sophie's arrival, we've moved the girls into the bigger of the bedrooms. It was quite an undertaking, but we managed to get it cleared out and painted (with the help of Kelly and Holly). The girls LOVE their new, pink, "big girl" room. We still need to get their beds, but they're enjoying it all the same.We also got Sophie's nursery all set up. Again, my girls (and wonderful husband) came through for me and painted the walls. Sophie's room is a lovely shade of purple, which goes well with the glider and ottoman that my mom recovered for me. I'm so excited that my girls have such pretty rooms to call their own.
Right after we discovered that we were adding onto our family, we made the realization that we'd need a bigger vehicle. So, we recently traded Shawn's Honda Accord in for a Honda Odyssey minivan. I LOVE IT! I always said that I didn't want to be a "Minivan Mom"...but I've quickly changed my mind. It's so roomy and drives like a car. :) LOVE IT!
I'll be 36w pregnant tomorrow...and officially starting my 9th month. My EDD is July 14, but Sophie is scheduled to arrive via c-section on Tuesday, July 7....just three weeks from tomorrow. I can't even begin to describe how excited I am to meet our newest family member! I'll keep you all updated when she arrives.